"If you would create
something, first you must
be something.”
Johann Wolfgang
von Goethe

What To Do To When You Are Hurt By a Loved One
(Thursday, September 10th, 2015)

What To Do When You Are Hurt By a Loved One

I’m not the first person to be hurt by someone close to her, but over the years I have witnessed my growth in consciousness and how I respond to these events. I have to say I am pleased with how far I have come and I felt a deep need to share my lessons with you. This is not to say these events don’t hurt, and leave your heart a little bruised, but when you grow in awareness you are no longer dragged into the drama and emotional upsets of your past. You are not victim. You are powerful and free.

Often times, my first response to being hurt is anger. Becoming angry keeps me safer than admitting I’m hurt. Since I was a teen I have been know to yell, raise my voice and be a bit of a terror. I have since learned that anger is not my final emotion. Underneath my anger is hurt, fear and regrets. My anger is only masking my hurt. Once I learned this, my emotional outbursts stopped or at least were a lot less in number. I learned to get in touch with my true emotions and when I do, this helps me to deal with the situation. When I stay stuck in anger it keeps people at a distance and it doesn’t allow me to move forward toward love, forgiveness and compassion.

If you have been on this earth long enough, you have been disappointed, hurt or had your heart broken. You have also disappointed others, hurt them and left a few broken hearts in your own wake. You have survived it all and hopefully you have learned some lessons. The best thing you can do when something goes wrong is to accept that is has. To go on and on about the unfairness of it all is a huge waste of time. Have you ever heard yourself saying any of the following statements?
•    “That shouldn’t have happened.”
•    “That wasn’t fair.”
•    “They shouldn’t have said that.”
The reality is, things do happen and life isn’t always fair. The minute you accept that it has happened, you are able to create an opening in your awareness. This give you space to breathe and clears your mind so that you can decide how you want to respond.

My old conditioned response of yelling and screaming, throwing things (yes, I said throwing things) and playing the hurt victim is not how I choose to show up in the world anymore. Since 1997 when I learned that I have 100 percent responsibility over my response, how I respond has forever been changed. I know that with everything that happens to me I always have the power to choose my response. This knowledge has given me peace and power all at the same time, and when I choose my response from a place of love, I never regret my actions.

Life has so many lessons, but this is a big one. When someone offends me or says something hurtful I have learned that it does not diminish me in any way. In many cases it doesn’t even have anything to do with me. Whenever someone says something that hurts me, I have learned to not respond right away. If I take a minute to breathe, I often realize that saying something hurtful in response is not the way to go. To some this may seem like a weak approach, but in reality it is powerful and effective method.

If I stick to the facts it keeps everything in proportion. FACT: Someone said or did something that hurt me. STORY: “She doesn’t love me,” or “He disappointed me.” If I start to weave a story making the other person wrong and me right, I let drama enter in. When I stay alert and witness when I am weaving a story, I am able to stop myself and look at the facts. For example if your friend stood you up for lunch, you could weave a dramatic story about it, or deal in the facts. You were there and they weren’t.

The worst thing I can do is to ruminate about what happened. It is so easy to play the scene over and over again in my head, but it is not worth my time. It is only a thought sequence holding me hostage and I can choose different thoughts. I find that the simple act of putting my sneakers on and heading to the woods or outdoors cures my ruminating mind. If I can’t get outside, I watch a funny movie or escape into my favorite playlist or I journal my thoughts. There are hundreds of things I can do to keep me from ruminating.

At the end of the day the only person I control is me. I can’t stop people from saying or doing hurtful things, but I can control how I respond and how I behave going forward. I focus my actions and my thoughts on what I control and then let it go. I choose how I want to show up in the world.

Holding on to anger or resentment is no good for anyone. People often think if they forgive someone, then they are condoning the behavior and that isn’t the point of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Once you are able to forgive and realize that we all disappoint each other from time to time, you are able to free up that energy in your mind. Staying stuck and angry is only hurting you. There is a quote that says something like “holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Forgiveness allows me to move forward toward love and compassion and that is where I want to live my life.

For me whenever something in my life doesn’t go as planned instead of blaming, complaining and pointing fingers, I always look in the mirror and look for ways to grow, learn and expand. I hope that in sharing my experience you too grow and expand in love.

Love & Light,